Core beliefs can be a b*tch. Yes, they were shaped by our ecological systems, societal/cultural norms, and far too much access to television and social media. It’s a really good thing our parents didn’t know what we were actually doing on Vampire Freaks and MySpace.
It can help to personify our feelings and messages in our head. “This is Tina and she keeps telling me I’m ugly and no one will ever want me”. Well, Tina needs to stop being such a f***ing c*nt and she needs to tell your mother that it was awful that she said those things to you growing up. We may seem crazier than ever but I promise it will make for a great session with your therapist.
Here are some common core beliefs we probably experienced and might still believe:
- I’m worthless.
- I’m not lovable.
- I’m weird/different/don’t belong.
- I am not good enough/will never be good enough.
- I’m not important/insignificant.
- I’m permanently damaged.
- I’m ugly.
- I’m weak. I’m a failure/disappointment.
- I can’t trust anyone.
- It’s not okay to show my emotions.
If not these then likely something similar to them. We were taught to think that because we were outcasts that we are unacceptable and unworthy. Those messages stick with us. Whether it was our parents, siblings, the bullies at school, your fake friends… they all had an impact on us whether we like it or not. I cannot tell you how many times I will reflect with people and talk about the countless messages on MySpace saying “go kill yourself” and they stare at me like I’ve just said something straight out of a horror movie *gasp*. Then there are the ones that go “oh yeah, you too?”. It either happened to you or it didn’t (or you’re just not willing to talk about it yet). *Winks, with finger guns*
How many of these do you relate to? How many of these have you started healing or have healed? Where did these develop from for you?
Personally, I know my family contributed to most of my negative core beliefs. Being told you won’t be found beautiful takes a big hit. Even though most of them have passed at this point in time I can still go back to specific settings where these comments were said.
I remember one day leaving the house and going for a walk/run in severe rain with my iPod being my only solace. (Cue Shuffle by Bombay Bicycle Club) I didn’t want to be home. I didn’t want to be near them. I didn’t want to exist as I was in that moment. There have been a lot of moments like that.
So how do we reframe these? How do we make them go away or work towards feeling more positive? I could easily say that you just need to tell yourself
- I am worthy.
- I am lovable.
- I’m okay as I am. I belong.
- I am good enough.
- I am important.
- I am/can be healthy and happy/content.
- I am beautiful.
- I am strong. I am okay the way I am.
- I can choose whom to trust.
- I can safely feel/show my emotions. My emotions are valid.
It’s rarely that easy. It takes time to change these messages. A lot of what we have to do is around developing supports who can reassure us and find the things in life that make us able to believe in it. Whether it be writing, art, music, research, development, etc. Finding our strengths is where we begin to make change. Finding the things that bring us joy and experiencing happiness makes an impact. It will never happen overnight. Unless some magic wish comes true or a brain injury rewires how you think… this does NOT mean to go smash your head into a wall. I’ve had many people in my life try and I can assure you it doesn’t work.
What are the things that bring you a sense of joy? If you don’t know, what is one the last times you experienced it? What is something that you want to do for yourself?